<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>peace comes dropping slow by wytch-lyghts (flight_on_broken_wings)</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30005862">peace comes dropping slow</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/flight_on_broken_wings/pseuds/wytch-lyghts'>wytch-lyghts (flight_on_broken_wings)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Critical Role (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Tenderness, Touch-Starved, Yearning, ep128 spoilers, just a little bit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 20:29:22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,655</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30005862</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/flight_on_broken_wings/pseuds/wytch-lyghts</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In the wake of their harried exit from Vergesson, among all of Caleb's many regrets, his mind continues to return to Essek, waiting up North for them. Essek, who unlike the rest of their allies and families, was not even in the most immediate danger because of him. And yet, Trent's words still ring in his ears. </p><p>All that remains is to tell him.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>244</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>peace comes dropping slow</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inver/gifts">saturday_sky (Inver)</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Scene based on <a href="https://twitter.com/saturday_sky/status/1370392914111590402">Sky's marvelous shadowgast art</a> over on twitter, and it's still a work in progress!!!! The finished thing is going to kill me. </p><p>Title taken from the W.B. Yeats poem, 'The Lake Isle of Innisfree.'</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The rest of the Mighty Nein had trickled out the door, departed to find their respective rooms for the evening. Only Caleb lingered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked small, </span>
  <em>
    <span>made </span>
  </em>
  <span>himself look small, arms crossed protectively over his middle and shoulders curled in on himself. It made Essek’s heart ache, how uncomfortable Caleb looked just to be standing in the room with him, eyes landing everywhere but Essek. And yet, something so clearly unsaid in them kept him anchored there, preventing him from leaving with the rest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb’s hands clenched, fingers biting sharply into his forearms, the latticework of scars continuing all the way down his wrists visible at the cuffs of his shirt. And Essek continued to ache.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We did n–“ Caleb stopped himself, voice a low rasp. “I did not tell you... everything,” he seemed to force himself to continue. Caleb swallowed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Essek looked down at the flagstone between his boots where he sat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then, more quietly, “Everything that happened, after Vergessen. Everything I–“ There, Caleb finally stopped, and couldn’t seem to make himself go on.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Essek found himself shaking his head before Caleb even finished speaking. The weight of the amulet around his neck still felt foreign, the meaning of how Caleb’s hands shook as he shoved it at him so abruptly, as soon as the Nein had burst through his door, still taking shape.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Perhaps,” he allowed, stealing a glance up at Caleb, but he didn’t let it linger. Couldn’t let it linger. Not as Caleb shifted so uncomfortably on his feet. “But perhaps you have told me enough.” His fingers found their way without permission to the amulet at his throat. “And have done what you can to mitigate any consequences.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That just made pain flicker across Caleb’s face—guilt, only amplifying Essek’s own. Eyes closed tightly, hair escaping its tie falling forward around his face as he ducked his head, Caleb’s walls crumbled around him, more vulnerable than he’d ever allowed Essek to see. Though this didn’t strike him as an ‘allowance’, as willing, at all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb was shaking apart.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He drew in an unsteady breath that barely held in his lungs. “Essek —“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Essek clenched his hands tightly, until his nails dug painful crescents into his palms, just to keep from reaching out; he was half sure that if he took even a single step forward out of his chair Caleb would bolt.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“– I’m sorry, I– I betrayed your trust, I should not have used dunamancy, not there, and Trent–“ Caleb’s voice cracked at the name, his jaw clenching, a fresh wash of guilt, anguish, and an </span>
  <em>
    <span>anger </span>
  </em>
  <span>Essek hadn’t expected rippling across his features as he turned away. A wet laugh tore from Caleb’s throat. “He’s connected us. He saw fit to tell me as much. You’re in even more danger because of me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was </span>
  <em>
    <span>something </span>
  </em>
  <span>in Essek’s chest curled tightly around his heart, winding around his ribs, a thorny vine that sent sharp stabs of pain through his chest with each breath, threatening to rob him of his words. But he couldn’t even begin to voice everything he might have, everything he would have regretted, as his thoughts spiraled.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Why are you apologizing to me?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>To him, Essek, who could never deserve Caleb’s forgiveness, much less presume to ask for it.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I owe you everything.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb shuffled uncomfortably again, and with a sharp pang of regret, Essek realized he’d been silent for too long.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Caleb,” he began, shaking his head in gentle disagreement. “Trent only knows I exist at all because of my own folly. And I was already in danger because of it. That he may suspect I taught you some rudimentary dunamancy—well, no,” he amended, “actually that spell is not so rudimentary, though I certainly did not teach it to you, but it’s very impressive you worked it out yourself—but what I am saying,” Essek redirected, “is that even if he connected us, it puts me in no more danger than I was before.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You underestimate him,” Caleb rasped, all but folding in on himself entirely.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It is precisely because I do not underestimate him that I presume he was already aware that my ties to your group were already known and questioned in the Dynasty.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb only looked saddened, his jaw working, eyes finally darting, just for a moment, back to Essek. “You don’t understand. It’s– it is personal to him now. I’m his– his </span>
  <em>
    <span>project</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” Caleb spat that word with venom, enough to make Essek’s skin crawl.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He buried that bitter distaste though, buried the anger that surged in his own chest at the thought. Caleb didn’t need that right now. Wordlessly, Essek lifted an open hand toward Caleb, begging him closer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It took him a moment, questioning eyes flicking from Essek’s hand to his face, brows knit in confusion. But slowly, painfully slowly, Caleb moved forward a step, then another, meeting Essek part way as he shifted closer to the very edge of his seat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You are no one’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>project</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” he emphasized, gently as he could, though that word was still sharp on his tongue. His heart running leaps and bounds before any coherent thought could catch up, his heart aching as Caleb’s fingers dug into his sleeve-covered forearms, Essek reached for Caleb’s hand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb inhaled in surprise, but did not pull away as Essek’s fingers ghosted lightly over his wrist. His gaze sought Caleb’s, only finding it after a stubborn moment during which Caleb looked everywhere but himself, asking silent permission before taking Caleb’s hand and pulling it gently to him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And still,” Essek continued, lower, the quiet somehow seeming more encompassing, the large room narrowed to just the small space between them, his heart beating all the louder in his ears for it. He took Caleb’s hand in both of his, coaxing his fist to unfurl, little more than the tips of his fingers grazing over Caleb’s skin he was so terrified each touch would lead Caleb to pull away. “What you say makes me all the more glad you did what you needed to. To keep yourself safe. To not stay a minute more in that place than you needed.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t know what he was doing, instinct and the need to comfort, to do </span>
  <em>
    <span>something</span>
  </em>
  <span>, dragging him by the scruff toward the precipice he’d been avoiding for months. But just as surely as Caleb loosened his grip, the tension bled out from his shoulders as well, his head hanging low, eyes still closed, hard lines of his expression softening.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But that deep furrow in his brow remained. When Caleb spoke, his voice was a ruined rasp. “I– did not use it to keep me safe,” he said, with all the weight of some misplaced confession.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Essek let out a quiet sigh, the pad of his thumb sweeping gently across Caleb’s palm. “Caleb... Look at me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The muscles in Caleb’s jaw flickered, fingers of his free hand curling tightly around his elbow, body tensing, though he did not pull away. Nor did he open his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Caleb</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” Essek released another measured breath, slowly. And just as soon as he dismissed the fleeting thought against it, pressed a chaste kiss—barely the brush of lips—to the inside of Caleb’s wrist.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He heard a quiet gasp of breath above him as Caleb inhaled, trembling, blinking tears from his eyes. Too stricken by surprise to look away as Essek tilted his face up to find his gaze.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“These are not the hands of a murderer,” Essek said quietly, thumb stroking softly over the fluttering pulse under the thin skin of Caleb’s wrist. He felt the faint tremor that ran through Caleb, either at his words or the breath that carried them, ghosting over his scarred skin. “Nor an evil man, by any means. I trust,” he assured, “as I have always trusted, that you did what you needed to. As you saw best. And as only you can decide was right,” he finished, barely a whisper.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yet he believed every word.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb’s chest was rising and falling with too quick, shallow breaths, his jaw working as he swallowed thickly. He turned his face away again, unable to hold Essek’s gaze as tears spilled silently from the corners of his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, </span>
  <em>
    <span>d’anthe</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Essek murmured, his bruised heart carrying him right to his feet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Whatever else he was going to say, it fled him along with his breath as Caleb pitched forward suddenly, his arms wrapping around Essek tightly, face buried in his shoulder, both hands clutching the fabric of his cloak as if Essek was in danger of being torn away from him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Save for the sharp breath that hissed past his teeth in his surprise, Essek bit his tongue. Hushing Caleb in quiet Undercommon, he hugged him back just as fiercely, a soft sound escaping his own throat as Caleb turned his face into Essek’s neck. One hand cradling the back of Caleb’s head, Essek threaded his fingered through his hair, stroking gently as slowly, </span>
  <em>
    <span>slowly</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Caleb’s breath evened out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After a long while, though only Caleb would know how long exactly, the faint tremors wracking Caleb’s shoulders faded away. His grip on Essek eased as the desperation in the gesture trickled away with the minutes. And gradually, Essek was no longer pulling Caleb to himself as much as he was just holding him, for as long as Caleb would allow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry,” Caleb finally spoke again, a faint rasp, words muffled in Essek’s collar.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No,” Essek breathed, words whispered quietly into Caleb’s hair, closing his eyes and holding him just that much closer. “Not for that.” Another heartbeat. “Not for this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb swallowed, silent, but nodded slightly, his arms dropping to rest more loosely around Essek’s waist. Though they did not fall away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just stay safe. Stay alive,” Essek pleaded, resting his cheek against Caleb’s head, and letting his own eyes drift closed. “And don’t ever apologize for that.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>